Looking back

Late last week, I picked up a calendar and started flipping the pages backward. I counted each week ending on December 4, 2008. I ended up with the number 34. 34 weeks - that is how long Lane has lived here on Allison Drive with us.

I started getting emotional. Tears dripped from my eyes, which was kind of a pattern last week because I also cried when Lane crawled his way around the living room. I explained to papa that these were in no way sad tears.

Lane's 34th week has been a very special one. He now crawls without any inhibitions. He calls out Da Da. He claps his hands when you praise him. Or, when he decides to praise himself. He sleeps through the night. (For the most part.) He blows kisses. All of this learned during his 34th week of life.

I'm happy. Happy to have this little boy in my life for eight months.

With eight months behind us, I turned on the computer and began looking at photos since Lane's arrival. Digitally watching my babe grow. And then I stumbled across this series of photos - marked 34 weeks.

I was 34 weeks pregnant when these photos were taken. I remember the day perfectly. 34 weeks in utero was just as busy and exciting as 34 weeks of life.

I sat in the backyard that afternoon playing with the pups. After taking Tracie to the airport that Monday morning, I returned home and realized I did not have a house key on the 4 Runner keychain. I could have gone to the office to get Papa's key but instead I decided to soak up some late October sun and reflect on the day before.

Sunday had been one of the most special days of my life: a party thrown to celebrate the soon-to-be-arrival of Baby Rader. My dearest friends, Stephanie and Lanna, really out did themselves. Tracie drove up from Savannah. Emily, Ellen and the girls came up from Macon. The room at South City Kitchen was packed with those who I love. And food that I love: fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. Cupcakes too.

Each gift precisely picked out for my babe. And such special gifts: a vintage rocking horse, handmade blankets, family heirlooms, a sock monkey, sweaters made by my mom's two hands, and Bla Bla bird. How were we ever to know how much Lane would love that silly little knitted bird?

For a good hour that day, I played with the dogs and shot these photos. I am so happy I did.

I truly loved being pregnant.
I felt beautiful - inside and outside.

My hair was shiny. My skin was glowing. My body had curves it never had before.

I had energy. So much energy.

I found myself knitting, sewing, canning, cooking, and constantly cleaning.

I craved some of the the best foods: watermelon, grapes, pomegranites.

I felt so lucky. My pregnancy was perfect. My blood pressure better than normal. My sugar levels just right. My weight gain on track. My babe growing just as he should.

Back then, I thought Lane would be our only child. I accepted the fact that this would be my only pregnancy. So, I soaked it all in.


There were days when I thought I could stay pregnant forever.

So, last week got me thinking a lot about life with Lane. And papa starting thinking too. We looked back on last fall. We remembered how much fun we had. How much we enjoyed each other. How we prepared for Lane's arrival.

And then on Sunday, we packed up all Lane's newborn clothes and accessories. He no longer needs receiving blankets or a swing. He has no use for his jungle gym any more. And he is much too big for the Baby Bjorn.


I titled this picture - taken that same week - Love for a babe. Wow, I really had no idea. I loved Lane then. I remember loving him. I knew the moment I met him I would love him even more.

I just had no idea how much I would love him. How much I do love him. How much I love being a mama. How it made my heart ache just a little to pack away all those items. To think that I might not ever use them again.

Therefore, I'm soaking it all in - motherhood. And I'm pondering. Pondering just what my life with Lane - and a sibling - might be like.

But, not any time soon. You see that afternoon, I had my house key. It was right there in the 4 Runner on a different keychain I grabbed that morning before leaving the house.

I might not have craved ice cream. And I never had morning sickness. We never had one single pregnancy scare.

But I did have a severe case of pregnancy brain.

And I just don't think I'm ready for that again. Besides, I am finally getting a full night's sleep.

So for now, I'm just pondering. And enjoying every single day of my life with Lane.