Now more than ever

Every night before I place Lane is his crib, I recite the same words, "I love you. I hope you have peaceful slumbers. You are the best thing that has ever happened to this mama. Do you know that? The best thing."

And I mean it. Truly mean it.

However, it has become more of a night time ritual than a devotion of my love.

Last night, cranky from some teething pain, Lane fell asleep on my chest. As I carry him in his room, I began to chant those words. Then, I stopped. My babe was sound asleep but I needed him to know that those words are just as much true now as they were when I first spoke them to him.

Now more than ever, I mean it.

I wasn't going to share this here. I didn't think it suitable. My family and close friends have all been told. But I would like to think that those of you who come here to read my words and find out about what Lane has been up to care about us just a little.

And, it might be healing to get it out.

A few days before Lane's birthday, Papa and I found out we were expecting a new little bird. We were very shocked, a little nervous, but mostly excited.

We decided to wait to share the news. One, we didn't know how far along I was in the pregnancy. Two, we wanted to enjoy Lane's birthday. And three, unfortunately we have lost a pregnancy before.

I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for this week. We waited. During that time, we shared the news with my family and a few of our close friends. We began to talk of names. We started to rearrange Lane's nursery in our minds. We allowed ourselves to get excited.

We knew better. But, we could not help it.

Monday morning, I left Lane and Papa at home so I could go and meet our little bird. Before I left, Papa asked if I was nervous.

No, I told him.

I should have known better.

Although my body wants me to be nine weeks pregnant with child, I am not. My hormone levels reflect those of someone that far along. The sac surrounding the baby is large enough to hold an embryo of that gestation.

The babe in there stopped growing weeks ago.

The doctor gently told me the news.

My brain and my body want me to carry this child. They don't want to give up hope.

On Friday, Papa and I will meet with my doctor. He will walk us to the surgery center, where another doctor will terminate the pregnancy.

Yes, I am sad. Sure, I am disappointed. Mostly, I am scared about the surgical process.

I am also hopeful.

Monday afternoon as I drove home alone, I felt those familiar feelings: a heavy heart, disappointment with my body, and anger at everyone and no one at the same time.

I allowed myself to cry while I drove in silence.

Before I got home, I pulled myself together. I knew that when I walked in the door Papa would be there to wrap his arms around me and Lane would be there with a big smile on his face.

And they were.

We weren't trying to get pregnant. We didn't even know it was possible.

Now we know. We feel sad for what has happened, and at the same time, we feel good.

We might just be able to have two little birds in our nest one day. This, however, just wasn't the time.

If there is a chance that Lane might be our only child, Papa and I are alright with that too.

Because, he is, in fact, the best thing that has ever happened to us.

We know that to be true now more than ever.