While he rests his head

Sometimes when Lane naps, I think about about all the fun we had while he was awake.
And I miss him.

Confessions of a bad mom

I have a confession to make.
Lane might be spending too much time with the dogs.
This morning, while the short hair was snug in the bed, Lane did her morning chores for her.

He cleaned up his Cheerios off the floor - just like she would.

I have another confession to make.
I let him.

And then I threw a few more on the floor so I could laugh and take some pictures.

These are the confessions of a bad mom.

A few of his favorite things

The best part of Christmas presents - the paper.
That is exactly why we spent less than 50 bucks on presents this year.

Merry making

Wishing you and yours a very sweet holiday.

He's famous

Remember Lane's Bla Bla Bird? (Who now lives a life of luxury and retirement on the shelf over Lane's changing table.)

He is famous and featured on MSN's homepage.

Aunt Lanna just sent us this link:
http://www.msn.com

Our little Hoo is such a trend setter!

We ate

chocolate covered pretzels in the car on the way home from Target yesterday.
I'd say someone really enjoyed his.

Tickle, Tickle, Tickle

I'm not going to lie. The last few days have been pretty rough. Friday was the first time in the 379 days since giving birth to Lane that we spent the night apart.

I was more nervous about being away from him than I was about having the procedure. But thinking about my little babe helped me through it all.

I am pretty sure he was the last thing I thought about before the docs put me under and the first thing that came to my mind once coming to.

Instantly upon waking up, I asked the nurse by my side if I had said anything silly while under the effects of anesthesia.

She told me no.

I think she was just being kind.

Because I am pretty sure at some point I told everyone in the operating room,

"Tickle, Tickle, Tickle."

But I don't think I explained that I was just repeating my one-year-old son's newest words.

Tickle, Tickle, Tickle.

Now more than ever

Every night before I place Lane is his crib, I recite the same words, "I love you. I hope you have peaceful slumbers. You are the best thing that has ever happened to this mama. Do you know that? The best thing."

And I mean it. Truly mean it.

However, it has become more of a night time ritual than a devotion of my love.

Last night, cranky from some teething pain, Lane fell asleep on my chest. As I carry him in his room, I began to chant those words. Then, I stopped. My babe was sound asleep but I needed him to know that those words are just as much true now as they were when I first spoke them to him.

Now more than ever, I mean it.

I wasn't going to share this here. I didn't think it suitable. My family and close friends have all been told. But I would like to think that those of you who come here to read my words and find out about what Lane has been up to care about us just a little.

And, it might be healing to get it out.

A few days before Lane's birthday, Papa and I found out we were expecting a new little bird. We were very shocked, a little nervous, but mostly excited.

We decided to wait to share the news. One, we didn't know how far along I was in the pregnancy. Two, we wanted to enjoy Lane's birthday. And three, unfortunately we have lost a pregnancy before.

I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for this week. We waited. During that time, we shared the news with my family and a few of our close friends. We began to talk of names. We started to rearrange Lane's nursery in our minds. We allowed ourselves to get excited.

We knew better. But, we could not help it.

Monday morning, I left Lane and Papa at home so I could go and meet our little bird. Before I left, Papa asked if I was nervous.

No, I told him.

I should have known better.

Although my body wants me to be nine weeks pregnant with child, I am not. My hormone levels reflect those of someone that far along. The sac surrounding the baby is large enough to hold an embryo of that gestation.

The babe in there stopped growing weeks ago.

The doctor gently told me the news.

My brain and my body want me to carry this child. They don't want to give up hope.

On Friday, Papa and I will meet with my doctor. He will walk us to the surgery center, where another doctor will terminate the pregnancy.

Yes, I am sad. Sure, I am disappointed. Mostly, I am scared about the surgical process.

I am also hopeful.

Monday afternoon as I drove home alone, I felt those familiar feelings: a heavy heart, disappointment with my body, and anger at everyone and no one at the same time.

I allowed myself to cry while I drove in silence.

Before I got home, I pulled myself together. I knew that when I walked in the door Papa would be there to wrap his arms around me and Lane would be there with a big smile on his face.

And they were.

We weren't trying to get pregnant. We didn't even know it was possible.

Now we know. We feel sad for what has happened, and at the same time, we feel good.

We might just be able to have two little birds in our nest one day. This, however, just wasn't the time.

If there is a chance that Lane might be our only child, Papa and I are alright with that too.

Because, he is, in fact, the best thing that has ever happened to us.

We know that to be true now more than ever.

Admiring

Today, Lane admired me from his little, black Jenny Lind chair as I baked a batch of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies.

What mother doesn't dream of that?

Kicking it

Lane and Chloe show off their new kicks.

When you have a one year old

there's always a few crumbs on the floor, a load of laundry waiting to be folded on the couch and

a new surprise behind each door.

There's also plenty of moments like this.

How could you not love this boy.

What a way to turn one

Saturday, we celebrated Lane's birthday in a BIG way. Papa and I can't stop talking about Lane's carnival party and all the friends and family who joined us. We feel so lucky to have so many people in our life who care and love us - and more importantly our son. To those of you who were able to attend, THANK YOU. It was such a special day. One we will never forget.

We spent Friday, Lane's actual birth day, in a more low key manner. In the morning, the Mush girls stopped by to deliver birthday kisses and a special hand-made (with love) gnome outfit.



After the girls left, we headed over to Papa's office. Papa has been itching to get Lane's haircut, and I would not allow it until his first birthday.

Papa proudly walked his son into the same barber who cuts his hair and asked for a trim.

Here is a before shot:

Lane sat still and patient as he received his first trim.
I managed to keep back the tears.

All done. If it is possible, he looks even more like his papa than he did before.
The barber remarked that my two loves even have the same cowlick.

When we arrived home, Lane and Elly Mae enjoyed playing with Lane's birthday balloons.

Before the sun set, we found our way outside to release those birthday balloons, which papa and I filled with wishes for our son.

Because our wishes for our son are very personal and private, we each individually whispered them into our son's ear and then let the balloon fly into the sky - carrying those wishes far and wide.




Afterward, we ate cake - cake before dinner only on your birthday - a new papa rule.

Lane was digging it.
Lane covered himself in icing.

Happy birthday Hoo!


Before we knew it, the day was over, and our babe was ready for bed.

A pretty special way to spend a birthday in deed!

Onederful

One year ago today, Papa and I held our babe in our arms for the first time.

We fell in love instantly.
He stole our hearts.
He made our life better.
He fills us with laughter and smiles.
We are proud to call him our son.

It has been the most wonderful year.
Happy first birthday Lane Thomas.

We love you.

A boy and his dog

Sunday

Papa did a little yard work.
Lane helped.